![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
they think i have a problem but i just don't see it.
10 pounds in a week and a half, what's the big deal.
so what if i only eat enough to keep a bird alive, i eat.
besides i'm active.
colorguard, winterguard, dance, and i live on a farm.
it's not like i sit on my ass all day.
but they think i'm anorexic.
maybe they're catching on.
but its not a problem.
no.
i'm not even close to underweight.
135 pounds.
weigh-ins everyday.
if the numbers go down it's rehab and counceling and no more boyfriend.
"choose wisely"
those are the words they said to me.
choose wisely, but i want to be thin.
i want to see numbers going down.
i'm healthy i swear.
i'm healthy.
i don't want to go away.
i don't want to lose my boyfriend.
i want to be left alone to lose as i please.
why.
why now.
why notice.
i won't go.
- Mood:
crushed
falling.
tumblig.
burning.
i want it all to stop, or do i?
i want to be normal, whatever the hell that may be.
i want to look in the mirror and find myself pretty....
instead, i'm crashing.
my life is tumbling down in ruins.
nothings going right.
and everyday's just another fight.
all i've ever wanted seems so far away.
life sucks.
it whirls, and twirls, and throws you everywhere.
and you just gotta suck it up and deal.
cry yourself to sleep.
starve yourself.
purge your guts out.
cut till the blood runs out and releases the pain of everything held inside.
pop a couple pills to calm you down.
curl in a ball and sleep forever.
you want it all to go away.
you want to stop crashing and just hit the ground now.
fuck it. i'm so fucked up.
- Mood: depressed
alone.
that's how i feel.
i'm not but it's how i feel.
my best friend, well used to be best friend, decided that sleeping with the first guy i ever had sex with and dating my most recent ex is more important than our friendship.
fuck her.
new boyfriend.
started dating almost two weeks ago.
a month after old boyfriend and i broke up.
new boyfriends great so far.
he wants to put me back together.
falling apart.
hate life.
hate food.
hate the mirror.
hate my family.
hate waking up in the morning.
so much hate.
food.
evil.
i'm fat.
i'm ugly.
i'm not pretty.
i'm not beautiful.
i don't deserve my boyfriend.
why me?
not talking.
to grandparents.
i'll never be good enough.
never what they want.
never beautiful.
never perfect.
never the valedvictorian scholar student they want.
never the stay at home 24/7 and spend time with the family perfect child.
i am.
the reckless mess.
an old building tumbling down from within.
i'm falling into a deep black hole not sure when i'll hit rock bottom but it'll come.
i'm crazy.
i'm not stable.
i cry for no reason.
i over react.
i'm mildly depressed.
i'm a wreck.
i don't want to be me.
- Mood: depressed
i'm fat.
i'm ugly.
people hate me.
yeah that's my life right now.
i don't know who my true friends are anymore.
apparently people think i'm a self centered bitch, am i? i don't think so.
i just don't know what to do :[
my grandparents as asswholes as always. i have a new boyfriend but they know nothing about him, because well they don't want me with him.
yeah they are great, and it's all because he's three years older than me, big deal he's the nicestguy ever.
school starts in about two months and there is no way i'll go back looking like this. HELL NO.
i just idk i wish i could snap my fingers and change everything, i don't even feel like i deserve my boyfriend.
i'm not pretty, i'm nothing special. it sucks.
so yeah.
and i just don't know what to do. fuck my life. that's pretty much all there is to it fuck my life.
oh yeah and i cut for the first time in i don't know how long.
- Mood: crushed
i love boys, but sometimes they can be a problem.
first off, i have no clue what guys see in me.
oh well though apparently they see something in me cause they like me.
and it's not just one, oh no one i could handle.
it's 4! yeah not one, not two, not even three, it's four!!!!
wtf??
not like i'm complaining (okay i kindda am) but it's complicated.
plus, that's not mentioning the uncountable number of guys who just wanna sleep with me.
gah!
okay so heres the list:
1. kyle- he's older than me by a a good amount. says really sweet over mushy things. is in love with me. i've had sex with him. we've been dating off and on and just having like a flirty fling for over a year. i'm not supposed to or aloud to be with him.
2. johnny- he's 17 turning 18 in july. he's sweet funny and a great guy. we are super close we can talk for hours about anything and never get bored. we're extremely close. we've liked each other for almost 4 years. have wanted to date for a while, but timings never right. we made out one night, while he had a girlfriend, but we may date this summer, well we both want to idk.
3. robert/rj/rosie(rosie is a nickname he used to have longer hair)- best friends with johnny. is 18 going on 19. has had a thing for me since i was 13. thinks i'm super hot with a great body. wants to have sex with me. thinks i'm a great girl and likes me a lot. just broke up with my best friend. flirts with me and hits on me.
side note the above three are all friends with each other especially johnny and robert they always talk and hang out. also they all think they are getting alone time and having sex with me memorial day weekend (eek gah)!
and number four....
4. joe- really great guy, nice, sweet, funny. very strong in his religion. i had a thing for him a while back but it passed. now i just sortta wanna be friends but i dont know. he's actually my age, and would be the one my grandma would like the most. ijust don't k now though.
oh and theres a number 5....
5. ryan- he's a nice guy. sweet funny etc etc. i don't know though he's not the best looking but not hideous. he's also my age. he has a thing for me. i'm kindda leading him on unintenionally i gues you could say. i don't know.
okay so that's my delemia too many guys what the hell do i do???
eek gah. ineed to figure out something.
guys make everything so complicated.
they should really come with an instruction manuel
- Location:bedroom
- Music:none
the blood rolls down my legs.
dries in splotches and becomes crusty.
i can wipe it off but within minutes theres more.
it stings and i feel all the hurt leaving me.
i cry and the tears falling down free me.
the pills kicked in and i feel nothing.
i'm numb just how i wanted to be.
1000mg and 30 minutes later and i'm okay.
i don't even know how to describe today.
i guess things started out okay.
i was happy, fasting, perky, i'd finished my project and things were good.
i was thrilled.
but shit happens.
i had guard practice and afterwards my friend jess asked me to go over, i said sure.
i went to her house and had to eat dinner.
fuck.
then went to her chorus concert and a basketball game.
came home feeling like shit.
the three hours of sleep i had gotten crashing down on me.
the hunger, the depression that i've been fighting for weeks it hit me like a semi trick going down I-97.
it hit me hard.
binge fucking binge you fat fucking pig.
i'm a horrible failure i don't even deserve to be called anorexic.
tomorrow WILL be better.
it has to be.
if not well i don't even want to know what will happen.
i don't know where my life is going.
i don't know what i want.
all i know is i want to be thin.
correction i need to, have to, want to be thin.
and on top of all this i see my therapist tomorrow.
oh boy, that should just be lovely.
so i guess for tonight, at least i'm numb.
i feel the sting and the numbness and it's great.
i'm going to go do crunches and fall asleep crying.
that's my life.
this is my hell.
- Mood: depressed
alright, so i have major issues with like actual structured diets.
i usually tend to get bored like even with abc, just cause it's so long.
so i decided i'm going to make my own and break it down into weeks.
i usually just would burn more than i eat, but then i'd end up binging cause i'm not structured enough.
so here's my diet (had to write it somewhere were it wouldn't be found and i could look at it):
Week 1: (Saturday-Friday)
200
400
600
0
100
300
0
so that's my diet that started today and will end friday.
i'll come up with the calories for the next week if i successfully complete this week.
if i don't i do it again.
so that's my week.
i can do it :]
- Mood:
hopeful - Music:none
shailene woodley
francia raisa
ellen page
emily browning
megan park
- Location:parlor
- Mood:inspired
- Music:none, watching secret life of the american teenager
ugh.
i feel disgusting right now and very sick to my stomach.
i had a stupid binge and then purged everything which i felt great afterwards.
i tried that salt in hot water which really helped me purge.
after i purged i took a shower, and when i got out of the shower my grandma was home with pizza and breadsticks.
fuck.
of course, she expected me to eat, and what could i do?
ugh i had to freaking eat because my grandmas already bitching bout me rarely eating.
so i'm going to get super fat now.
want to do a 5 day fast (monday-friday), i'll be in school most of the day so it should be easy, minus the coming home part.
ugh, anyways though now i feel super huge gross and disgusting. ugh and FAT.
i think it has to do with purging then eating right after cause now my stomach is all yucky feeling.
i'm miserable.
fuck.
fuck.
fuck.
i'm so fucking sick of my grandma contorling this, unknowingly of course.
i can't get away from her.
ugh, counting down the days till i'm leaving.
3 years.
fuck.
fuck.
fuck.
fuck.
anyways though. today sucked.
hope this week is better.
"nothing tastes as good as thin feels"
<3
- Location:parlor
- Mood:
pissed off - Music:none, watching secret life of the american teenager
so i'm fasting.
i'm on hour 14.
i haven't really decided how long i'm going, but i feel great.
kindda weak but i love it.
it's gonna be hard to not eat though because like my brothers birthdays today and i have to get out of cake and ice cream.
then i have to get out of diner, and everything else.
ugh, this isn't going to be easy, but i will do it! i have to do it.
i've gotten so off track during the break and i just really need to get back to working on my goals.
it's a new year and i'm going to be thin.
i'm going to do it!
failure isn't an option anymore.
i'm going to do this.
- Location:downstairs
- Mood:determined
- Music:whatever's playing on the computer
Well somebody knows how to ruin a good day.
My aunt is a fucking hormonal bitch.
I hate her.
Back in like June she allowed me to go onto her family share cell phone plan.
Awe, seems so nice right, wrong she's been nothing but a bitch.
So anyways back to the story, we all got our phones.
My cousin and I liked each others phones better than the ones we had originally gotten so we decided to switch phones.
We asked my aunt and she gave us permission to switch and we were both under the impression it was a permanent switch.
Well just recently my cousins biological dad bout her a phone and put her on his plan.
So my aunt asked for the phone that I had swapped for back and gave me my original phone.
I was confused and was like uh, wait this is my phone now and they flipped shit they were like uh no we payed for that phone.
So I was just like if it's about the money I'll give you the twenty dollars for the phone and they are like uh no.
So anways gave them the phone back and today my aunt came over and FLIPPED SHIT.
I was like oh my god are you on something?!?!?!?
She started screaming at my grandma (like omg bitch screaming kindda like a physco).
I went over and I was like okay, my bad we had a misunderstanding with the phone, I'm sorry if I owe you any other money let me know and I'll pay you.
Well, ha she keeps screaming like some physco.
She then goes on to take back my phone that I pay for and everything.
I have no clue what her problem is.
Then as she's continuing screaming and acting like a physco bitch she yells at my grandmother who's just standing there that she needs to grow up.
I was like wow what the fuck is your problem and what the hell are you on?!?!?!?!?!?
Anyways, we are all majorly feed up with her mood swing bitch crap.
So I'm phoneless and pissed off with her.
She can go to hell for all I care cause this definitely isn't the first time she's acted two faced and bitchy.
So now I'm just waiting for them to give me my money back cause I payed for a full year.
On a different note, the begining of my day was great.
I went shoping with my normal aunt, not the hormonal bitch mentioned above.
She's really cool and more like a big sister, lol and it was funny somebody at Aerie said she looked like she could be my mom, she's only 30 so she kinnda geeked out.
I got a couple really cute tops and a bag from Aeropostale cause everything was on sale.
Then we grabed some lunch from Ruby Tuesdays, it was good.
I feel guilty about eating, and kindda wanna purge, but I promised my best friend Mike I'd try to cut back on the purging.
So anyways, I'm a pissed off fat ass who just feels huger than huge.
I just can't wait to go back to school.
- Location:downstairs
- Mood: pissed off
- Music:none
so i haven't been on in like forever, but i've just been so ashamed of how i've been doing and just all around upset.
i've been eating lately because my grandparents seriously force me to eat.
it sucks, and because i've been eating i've been purging a lot (yeah i know it's bad for you whatever i don't care anymore)
i think i've purged at least once everyday since sunday.
i think the majority of food eating stuff is over, except tomorrow i gotta go out to eat with my aunt.
i'll purge that and then afterwards i'll be good for a while.
anyways though. i'm just so disgusted and disappointed in myself lately.
like today, i had eaten a little and i was like ah i'm just gonna purge it up later so i'm going to have a little more.
went to scoop some potatoes and my grandfather rips the bowl from my hand and tells me i've eaten enough.
i wanted to scream at him saying what's it matter how much i eat i'm just gonna purge it up later.
i didn't, i just threw my plate out and left the table, i wanted to go right into the bathroom, not turn the shower or anything on and let them hear me throw up, but yet again i didnt.
so that was that.
then today my uncle decides to take my cell phone back and give me my original phone.
he's giving me the one i had to my cousin.
so now i have a new cell number.
for anybody who i'd given it to just ask and i'll give ya the new one.
anyways i'm just so sick of all this crap.
i want it to go away.
so yeah, the past few days since i've been on have been sucky.
i've been doing horribly, and i just want it to end.
- Location:parlor chair
- Mood: ashamed
- Music:none
I'm so numb.
I feel nothing.
I just want to die.
I'm like a lifeless shell that just keeps crying.
The only thing I can feel is pain, and that's only when I'm inflicting it.
I think my hearts torn apart into a billion pieces.
I just don't want to live anymore.
I ruin everything.
My relationship with my grandparents is blown to a zillion and a half pieces.
So I'm stuck in this hell till I'm 18 because I have no where else to go.
My best guy friend in the world just walked out of my life because I have a boyfriend now.
I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I'm to weak to support it.
Everythings falling apart and I want nothing more but to die.
Last night was one of the worst nights of my life.
I ate way to much, my best guy friend ever waked away from me, my grandparents started yelling at me and I had a massive emotional breakdown.
They think I'm insane, and when I tell them how I feel I'm instantly "guilt tripping them".
That's not how it is though.
They don't understand how depressed I am.
How much I want to die.
How I hate everything about me.
I hate my life.
I hate my personality.
I hate everything about the way I look.
I feel invisible.
I just hate life.
Right now, I'm just waiting for the end to come. I'm just praying that God will either turn things around majorly, or kill me quickly so I don't have to live through this anymore.
I'm so depressed, I'm so numb I feel nothing I swear I'm like a lifeless shell that just keeps crying.
I want this to go away.
I want to die.
I WANT TO DIE!
- Location:my room
- Mood: numb
- Music:Pain- Three Days Grace
Struggle
Every day's a struggle
A problem in itself
You're so obsessed with others joy you've lost sight of yourself
You want to make them happy, by being someone else
But the people who truly loved you loved you as yourself
And you've torn yourself apart, day after day
Now i'm left to wonder if you'll ever be okay.
I don't want to see you hurting, all the pain that you go through
And when I see what you've done I know it isn't you.
Because you used to be so happy, so joyful and carefree
Now all you are is what others want to see
And as an outsider looking in your very own bestfriend
I just wanted to say don't let this be the end.
Promise Me
When everything comes crashing down
I want to know you'll be around
When I am scared and want to die
I want to find you by my side
When I loose hope and can not breathe
I want it to be you I see
When I don't want life to go on
I want to hear our favorite song
When everything comes crashing down
Promise me you'll be around
Worth It All
If I should die before I wake
I pray the lord my soul do take
If I should slip and maybe fall
I want it to be worth it all
When I look back at life again
I want to see fun that never ends
I want the good times to roll
A life that was full
Friends by my side
Regrets far behind
If I should slipand maybe fall
I want it to be worth it all
All these poems were written by me. I get inspiration when I am upset, or going through a rough time. These are a couple of the poems I have written. Just felt like posting them. I don't know if they are any good, a lot of my friends think they are and suggest getting them published. Please don't copy, but I trust that no one will, but if you'd like to post it somwhere or something just ask, and I'm cool with it as long as I get credit. Anyways, going to talk about my day now. It's been okay so far. I had to eat. Yuck, now on a 24 possibly longer fast. Started counting at 2:30. So we'll see how long I can go. Going to run soon. Anyways so far todays been good.
<3
Today, omg. School went good, eating went good, life in general fuck it.
Grandfather and I got in a huge fight. Bottom line he's ashamed of me.
Wow, not like i'm not completely ashamed of myself 24/7.
Ugh, I swear they hate me, and what pisses me off is they remember nothing!
They told me from the time I was 7 that they didn't want me, and now whenever I bring it up they "don't remember."
Oh, and he's making me ride the bus in the morning I'll be up at 5 AM joy! Ugh I hate life.
I seriously just want to give up.
I cut tonight, for the first time in 2months.
I cut the letter F into my hip.
F is for FAT, F is for FAILURE, and F is for FUCK THIS!
My own reminder of the fact that i'm a FAT FAILURE.
Ah will life ever get better?
I'm sick of being told to just perserver.
Can't I just give up??
Well my day sucked.
Sick of life but keep on living.
Tomorrows a new day, and tomorow will be the same. (most likely)
Ugh, till tomorrow.
<3
- Location:my room
- Mood: disappointed
- Music:none
Okay, so it's a new day, new diet, and so far so good. I haven't eaten much since around 5 o'clock last night, which is fairly good. Today all I've really eaten is some crackers and a banana, but I ran 2 miles so I'm at -80 calories. My goals to not go over 300 a day. Anyways though a side from ed stuff.....
My best friend since like second grade called today, and they're getting another poodle = ] I might go see it tonight, but I worried that while I'm at her house I'll have to eat, =[ I'm going to church tonight, which I'm looking forward to I just enjoy being in the presence of God, it gives me strength. Anyways, I attended a musical today. The middle school in my district put on Sussical, it was cute, plus I get 10 bonus points for my English class cause I attended it. My dad called today, he's really starting to annoy me with how much he lies. He pretends to care, but really he just doesn't. I'm so sick of it. Things at home are decent. Grandparents are being fairly nice today, my sisters not home, and brother's glued to his game system. Ha, I'm really ramblely today. So anywhos, today's going good and I want to keep it that way. We'll see what happens.
= ]
"What can I say, I'm just trying."
okay so same day, but i gotta vent. i'm so disappointed with myself right now. i'm so stupid, and so fat. i can't believe i just ruined my entire day. my goal for the day was to either eat as little as possible, or stay under 300 or 400 calories. well, i failed. i think i've had like 600! i can't believe myself i'm so stupid this is so disgusting. i just wanna be thin, and at this rate it'll never happen. i seriously disgust myself right now. anyways, probably purging later, can't believe i did this. yuck! well. just had to vent.
= [
"What can you do when your hardest just isn't good enough anymore?"
- Location:My Shelter (aka the room)
- Mood: happy
- Music:Pressure by Paramore is stuck in my head.
I was abused when I was younger, like up until I was six, by my stepfather. I was physical, and mentally abused, he also did a lot of sick stuff. It scares me that he was in my life from when I was a baby and I have no clue what else he could have done. It makes me feel unsure, and worried, it just scares me. Anyways, when I was 6 he threatened to kidnap me so, my mother and my siblings and I moved. It was nice being away from him, but he still threatened us and harassed us. Finally, when he started going away a bit, and things looked like they were getting better they got worse. My mom died 7 months after we left, and I rarely ever saw her when she was alive. My world turned upside down in a matter of hours. I moved in with my grandparents, and they still abuse me, though not physically just emotionally. I get torn apart day after day. I get called every name in the book, and told how much I'm not wanted. It really sucks. School isn't much better, I have friends, but they just don't get things. I was also tormented and ridiculed until I was in 6th grade. That's when my eating disorder started. I've been anorexic for about 4 years now. Its a constant struggle. I'm not very discplined with it either. I try though, and I want to get better. I'm trying like crazy to loose 20 pounds, maybe more. I constantly bounce back and forth between gaining and loosing and it sucks. I just wanna loose. Anyways that's my background information I guess. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm just trying.
- Location:my room
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:none at the momment
